Honesty

Lately I have been feeling an overwhelming need to be completely honest. I think God is tearing me up, from the inside out and trying to rebuild me into something better. I think I have a real problem with lying. I never lie about anything big, just a bunch of little lies which make my life way more complicated. The biggest one is lying by omission. Anyway, what I want to accomplish with this blog is not to have a journal for me to write in, or to write down anything necessarily profound, but merely to be honest, to be honest with myself, with you and with God. My goal is to echo what Job says in Job chapter 27:6
"6 I will maintain my innocence without wavering.
My conscience is clear for as long as I live."

So here goes. I had a hard day today. Not actually, I was just being a wimp. I was feeling really angry and resentful for no reason. I was getting mad that I had to clean my apartment, mad at the way people were driving, mad at my friend for making snide comments during a meeting and there was really no reason to be that mad. I had to clean my apartment so that people could come over, the other drivers were going the speed limit, and my friend was only joking, but I was still getting irritated over nothing. I think what was even more frustrating was I couldn't find anything in the bible to help with the situation. I live on biblegateway.com, and I was searching through the topical index for anger, resentment, frustration etc. I think I have some kind of topical index in my pocket bible, but I can't find it. The worst part is I know I'm being a huge baby about it. I haven't even asked God to help me with it yet. I'm just being stubborn. Okay I'm going to try and find out what the bible says, wait here... Okay! Psalm 73:21-25

"21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you."

So that helps a bit. I'm going to pray now, you can keep reading if you want. God, why am I like this? why do I let this stuff get to me? It's senseless and ignorant, and we all know it. I ask God, that you would hold my hand and guide me with your counsel, guard my heart and my mind and walk with me. cheers.

-JB