Blah days

I had a big blah day today. It started off great, I got to spend the morning with my sweetheart, we ate eggs and potatoes for breakfast before I headed off to work. I have been getting less and less shifts lately, and the ones I have been getting are awkwardly spaced out so that I work for a few days, then have three days off, then work for one day, then have three more days off, then work for another few days, then have sporadic days off the following week. Combine that with my stomach flu that I had last week and I feel like I haven't been to work in almost a month. Today I was told that I need to bring a doctors note each time I'm sick, no matter how ill, or how short or long my leave is, I need to bring one in. This irked me, not that I'm not sick a lot, or not that I wouldn't necessarily even request the same thing if I were the manager and I had a frequently sick employee (mind you I always went with a 3 day or more doc. note policy) but simply I feel like I have been there long enough to have the content of my character displayed. I honestly don't think I have faked an illness to play hooky since high school, and even then I wouldn't so much fake as just leave. (I turned 18 early, it came with some inherent benefits) The fact that they took me aside to tell me this was an attack on my integrity, the fact that it took them a week to tell me that was embarrassing on both ends. Fighting the urge to shove my fingers down my throat and vomit all over one of the $3000 couches and hand my boss a "doctors note" that read "I QUIT!" I silently brooded in my anger and dreamed of the day I would be released from this probationary upscale hell hole. On my break, in an attempt to calm my anger I was flipping through the psalms. There was a lot of talk about wing shadows and enemies vanquished and praises to the Lord, but I was too angry for it to mean anything. Sometimes the third degree I get from my boss will make me question whether I am actually good at my job or not. I'm constantly affirmed however through satisfied customers, and I feel like I'm doing an honorable days work in the sight of the Lord, and even the managers there have said that they have mistaken my nonchalant attitude for laziness (apparently I need to be pulling my hair out and screaming to be an effective CSR)

I don't know where this blog is going. I just feel so frustrated. I read through a quarter of psalms today, honestly, like 40 chapters. Sometimes (and especially on days like today) I feel so hungry for God that I have to devour the word like a fat kid on so much birthday cake, and yet on days like this one it doesn't help. I feel like David, crying out "HOW LONG OH LORD!" but I'm screaming it to the empty walls inside my brain! I feel like my anger is separating me from God, and that makes me angrier which tears me further from him! And yet when all my anger and energy is expended I know he'll be the first voice I hear, BUT IT"S SO FAR AWAY at this point. Here is a good bible verse that pretty much describes how I feel today, a bit over dramatic, but that's the David we've all come to know and love. cheers.

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

sick time

I went home sick from work on Thursday, and upon leaving my boss seemed angry and said "you snuck away, we'll talk about this on Saturday." unfortunately she wouldn't tell me what "this" was. I have sick time saved up, I'm feeling sick, I should be able to go home. Not to mention that when I asked permission to go home there didn't seem to be a problem with it. So now it's Saturday. I've lived with unquenchable anxiety on top of a stomach bug for the past 2 days, I know I have a conversation about "this" waiting for me at work. The worst part is I might NOT get fired. If I got fired that would put an end to my wondering when would be a good time to leave my job, the decision would be made for me. Not to mention I learned in the story of Jephthah's daughter that God can take a bad situation and make it good. I'm almost hoping to get fired at this point. 2 weeks pay for no work sounds pretty good. I'm kind of at my breaking point with the barn. I'm at the point where I don't care what I do, so long as I'm not doing this. I don't care if I get another stupid job I'm going to hate in four months as long as it's a change of scenery. I know that God's hand will be on me today no matter what the outcome and that he has a perfect plan for the day, but I'm bad at following instructions, so we'll see how the day goes.